Every marriage has its ups and downs. Sometimes things are great, and you feel like honeymooners again—other times you and your partner can find yourself at odds, wondering how you could see things so differently. However, if you find yourself constantly complaining to your friends “My wife yells at me”, this could be a sign that things are severely wrong in your marriage.
While it’s not uncommon for couples to disagree, hurt each other’s feelings, or occasionally bicker with one another, it’s important to remember that it’s not healthy for any spouse to yell. It’s also important to remember that you do not deserve to be yelled at.
In general, constant yelling at your partner is abuse. We all get angry and say foolish things from time to time, but allowing your emotions to carry you into a fit of rage and drive you to yell at your partner is an immature, damaging, and counterproductive behavior that can cause lasting regret and pain. It is up to you to discern if this is something you and your partner can work through, or if you would be better off seeking professional help and guidance.
If you find yourself answering “yes” to any of the above questions, please reach out and get help. If you are stuck inside of an abusive relationship, either work with your wife to fix it or get out.
If you think you may be a victim of domestic abuse (including physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse), please don’t hesitate to get help. Feel free to call the 24/7 Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, or visit the National Domestic Violence Support website, found here.
If the above scenarios don’t fit your situation, but you still find yourself unhappy with the amount of yelling in your relationship, the good news is that there are steps that can be taken to remedy this.
The first step in trying to remedy the yelling in your relationship is to identify the reasons that may be the cause of your wife’s yelling. While this likely will not directly fix the issue, it can, however, add perspective and empathy. Yelling is a terrible thing to inflict on your partner, but remember that your behavior is likely also contributing to the problem. You cannot force your partner to change, but if there are things you are doing or not doing that cause the yelling, you can change yourself and fix the predicament that way.
If your wife consistently uses yelling to get your attention or bring up serious subjects, it’s possible that she feels like this is the only way she can be heard or taken seriously. Take extra care to make sure that you’re giving her your undivided attention when she is trying to speak to you without raising her voice. Let her know that this is something you would like to work on, and ask for her to help you improve. In return, ask her to stop raising her voice.
Did you know that six out of ten wives feel that they do all or most of the household chores? You may want to approach your wife and see how she feels about the chore and to-do distribution. If she has been feeling like you don’t help enough, it’s possible that this has led to resentment that eventually bubbles over in the form of yelling. Give her a space to express her feelings. Make her feel heard and validated.
If your wife grew up in an environment where it was common for her caretakers to be harsh, abusive, and express their feelings by yelling, this could be an explanation for her behavior. However, this is only a possible explanation and not an excuse or a justification for the behavior. If this situation seems to fit your wife, please seek help via a certified therapist or marriage counselor immediately. But also, be patient with her. We all adopt a few bad habits from our parents, and overcoming them can be difficult.
If she appears to no longer care about how the yelling affects you, it’s possible that she has so much anger and resentment built up that her yelling “takes over.” Again, if this happens on a frequent or regular basis, seek help.
If possible, analyze the situation to see if you can identify consistent trends:
While none of the answers to these questions will fix the problem immediately, identifying trends can be a good first step in minimizing the amount of yelling. Seek out insights about what causes her to yell, and see what can be done to eliminate stressors or pains that may be contributing to the problem.
If you haven’t already, talk to your wife about how her yelling makes you feel, and how you would like things to be different. Be sure to use “I” instead of “You” statements, and express your willingness to change as well. It’s hard to be married! Marriages have the best chance of achieving happiness and success when both partners are genuinely willing to change and improve for the other. An attitude of humility, patience, and compassion will go a long way.
In many cases, outside help is needed. Invest in a marriage counselor and begin attending sessions together—this will help you both be able to share your feelings in a safe space, and your therapist will help you identify core issues in your relationship, as well as give you tools and practices to implement to fix them.
Troubled marriages frequently have a lot to do with poor mental health. Galvan is a mental health app that is launching soon and will help you track your physical and mental health—and rewards you for doing it too! Join the waitlist here. Our revolutionary mental health tracker can help you to reduce contention in your home and marriage by helping you achieve and maintain peace and keep with healthy habits. For more information about Galvan, how it works, and how you can get rewarded for achieving your goals and taking care of your health, read more here.
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